Chapter 23.1

Chapter 23.1

“What? Why?”

This was the same Doctor Ahn who once set aside her own principles to help one inmate repent, who slipped me cigarettes out of pity and compassion. If Ham Yoehee wanted to speak with her family, wasn’t that the true path of love?

“Bringing things into the prison is easier than sending things out.”

Doctor Ahn shook her head firmly.

“There’s hardly anything you can send out from a prison. At most, letters or tiny items. And when my shift ends, I get searched. I really… that’s beyond my authority. It’s simply impossible.”

“…….”

“Just write a letter. It’s not like you’ve said anything that would get flagged in a censorship check, right?”

I thought of the long, tangled letter I would have to write. Explaining everything that happened, the situation I was in, and begging them to come visit me immediately. Would that look like it was written by someone sane? Would it even pass censorship?

And above all, the guards would never agree to look up an agency address and send it on my behalf. Why would they bother with something so troublesome?

“Th-then… could you at least find out Starlight Management address for me?”

“Hmm… all right. I’ll look into that much.”

“Thank you.”

Since I said it was a letter to my family, Doctor Ahn didn’t object. She simply nodded and continued speaking.

“It’s already December. You know there will be Mass in the prison chapel on Christmas day, right?”

“Yes, yes.”

“It’s a little early, but… would you consider giving a testimony, Yoehee?”

“A testimony?”

“It’s nothing difficult. You’d just talk briefly about how your faith has changed you while living here in the prison. I thought it might set a good example for the other inmates. I was planning to recommend you to the chaplain who leads the service. How about it?”

If I was asking for a favor, it was only right to accept one in return. And I was the one in need. It didn’t seem like a difficult task, so I nodded.

Doctor Ahn gave a bright smile and began getting ready to leave. She tightened the belt of her glossy wool coat, flashed another quick smile, and walked out of the infirmary. With Deputy Ki absent, she clearly had no intention of staying longer.

Buoyed by my newly found hope, I cleaned with more energy. My mind was a mess, but my body kept moving.

I had drifted off into other thoughts and had been sweeping the same spot pointlessly for a while when someone knocked at the open door. Probably a guard telling me to finish up.

“Yes, I’m done now—”

Steady footsteps approached. Familiar ones. I lifted my head, and there was Deputy Ki, casting a long shadow over me.

It felt like I was trapped inside that shadow. When I quietly stepped aside, he simply took another stride and draped it over me again.

I put the broom neatly back inside the infirmary’s wooden cabinet and dusted off my hands.

“I’ve finished, Deputy Ki.”

“Why are you treating me like that?”

His voice was low, thick with something like compressed frustration. Standing straight so he wouldn’t find anything to nitpick, I asked calmly,

“Have I said or done something that offended you?”

“……”

“If I have, please forgive me. I apologize.”

When I bowed and straightened up, Deputy Ki caught me by the shoulder. His voice followed, sounding faintly uneasy.

“Are you still angry?”

He sounded almost clueless.

I could guess what kind of man he was. He probably had never done anything “wrong” in his life. Twenty-nine years lived as a model citizen. The only so-called deviation someone like him had ever committed was having s!3x with me.

And I was good at reading people. My instincts told me I shouldn’t push him any further. I knew he wouldn’t swing a baton at me or threaten me like the other guards might, but even so, something told me to stop here.

“No, I’m not angry anymore. I just… figured out my place. Everything you said that day was right. I’m a criminal, and I can’t reach you, and I shouldn’t reach for you. I understand that clearly now.”

“…”

“So I’ll just give up here.”

Not rejecting him. Giving up. Because I wasn’t worthy of reaching his level.

I let the words out with that intention packed inside them. Knowing his personality, knowing how uncomfortable the situation had become between us, I thought he would accept it.

“Who said you could?”

“…Sorry?”

His Adam’s apple jerked sharply. Something about it made me nervous, and I swallowed without thinking. His lowered voice brushed my ear.

“…I told you, you can like me as much as you want.”

There’s nothing that comes back to me when I do. I swallowed down the urge to say it.

“That so-called knowing your place… forget it. Just keep liking me.”

He spoke slowly, as if choosing each word with great hesitation.

“…I’ll send the letters for you. As many as you want. Write however many you need….”