Chapter 116.1

Chapter 116.1

Miran steadied her racing heart as she scanned the inbox and saw André’s name listed again and again. Then one message stood out. All the other emails were dated after André had returned from Seoul, but the very first one had been sent much earlier.

“Friday, July 19? Wasn’t that the day I went to Washington, D.C.?”

Tilting her head, Miran clicked the email. As the screen took its time downloading, her heart pounded like crazy.

–

From: Andre@h0tmail.com
Subject: Hi

You left me alone today and I didn’t like it at all.

Help me understand why I’m feeling this way.

Something happened to me while I wasn’t aware and I’m trying to figure it out.

So stay with me until I get to the bottom of this.

Actually, just don’t leave me. Ever

That’s it.

André

–

“André, you really are an idiot.”

After reading the email over and over, Miran muttered those words, then collapsed face down on her desk and cried silently.

After a long while, she wiped her tears and clicked “Reply.” She opened her electronic dictionary and typed, tap tap, clatter clatter. It took her a full hour to write a reply only a few lines long.

–

To: andre@h0tmail.com
Subject: RE: Hi

i live korea andre live ny. (I have my life in Korea, and Andre has his life in New York.)

i can not go to ny because mothers cancer surgery. (I cannot go to New York because of my mother’s cancer surgery.)

we cannot together. iam very sorry. (We cannot be together. I am very sorry.)

ㅗope you breath is well. (I hope you are breathing well.)

Miran

After clicking the “Send” button, Miran sat in front of the monitor with a dazed expression.

She felt confused. Every time she recalled the moment Andre had confessed his love while barely able to breathe, tears welled up. It would be a lie to say her heart had not wavered after hearing that desperate confession.

She buried her face in her palms and muttered,

“…It’s too late.”

Seeing the most solid and unshakeable person she knew suffering to the point of not being able to breathe had been a huge shock. She felt guilty, as if she had caused that illness herself, and she was worried about him. That was why she had not been able to reject him more firmly.

“No… who am I kidding.”

The truth was, she still loved Andre. He was a man she could not help but love. Beneath his cold and detached exterior was someone gentle and generous. No one ever seemed to recognize that, which made him a lonely person, too.

But loving Andre did not mean she could leave Juran behind in Korea while she was sick. If she did that, she knew she would regret it for the rest of her life. And somehow, she felt that if she left this time, she might never be able to return to Korea again.

What if she went to New York and spent years with Andre, only for his feelings to suddenly cool? What if he pulled out a contract with an expiration date and told her they should only stay together until then?

Miran still remembered with painful clarity the humiliation and helplessness she had felt on the street in front of Lincoln Center. It had felt like being stripped naked and thrown out among strangers, in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by unfamiliar people.

“I’m not confident…”

She let out a sigh. Just then, a new email arrived. Startled, Miran’s eyes widened.

“What is this supposed to be?”

She could not believe that Andre had already replied when only a few minutes had passed since she sent her email. She clicked the bolded subject line.

To: miran@h0tmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: Hi

Why are you awake at this hour?

I installed Korean Windows 95 on the computer. Now I can read and write Korean.

Sleep well. I love you.

André

—

“Are you really in New York? Can the world really change this much in just a year?”

Staring at the monitor with a bewildered expression, she hurriedly turned off the computer and lay down on her bed. Her heart pounded while her mind stayed wide awake, tossing and turning for a long time as if wandering the opposite side of the earth.